pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You can't special order awesome
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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