my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
