she woke up with a sticky ear
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
