I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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