$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
