so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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