just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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