Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
These 23 People Are Living Shocking Lies
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.