I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
