i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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