Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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