I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
