I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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