Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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