Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
