Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
