Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
