I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
