I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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