Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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