It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
