oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
