i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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