apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Come share oat with me in your robe
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
