Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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