Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
