I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
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you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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