The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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