I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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