I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
