They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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