I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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