If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize