No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
