So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
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Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
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But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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