take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
