It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
