you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
