There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
