I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
