Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Oh god it's open bar.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
