Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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