If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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