Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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