So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
