I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
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Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
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i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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