I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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