I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
