She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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