Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
