Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
