The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
