I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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