My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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