The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize