Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
