I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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